Lydia.

When Lydia was a little girl, she wanted -like all little girls do- a pony. And, of course, she didn't get one. No little girl who wants a pony ever gets one, cause you're either too poor a family to afford one, or too rich so you probably already own more than just one. Of anything. So, no, Lydia does not get herself a pony in this story. She's not a member of some rich family. Her parents are lower to middle class workers and they do work hard to keep things from falling apart. They're workhorsepeople. So that probably makes Lydia a ponygirl.

But you know, time goes by and Lydia grows up to be a woman. She doesn't flourish, and she doesn't bloom and all that bible-belt fucked-up terminology. She just grows up. Nothing dramatic, too. First sex in highschool, first abortion at 21, first shoot at 24, gets clean when she turns 27, gets a job as a lap dancer (part time) but quits after just 3 months, pregnant again, second abortion 29, that's that.

So you got yourself the average mid-state 30 year old, complete with "There ain't no mileage, only experience" trampstamped and probably with the deluxe set of STDs as well.

And that girl, she wakes up one morning and she thinks, how after all moments of passing glory, missionary, doggie, all that jazz, how after each, well, exultation, she became nothing again. How this happens to everyone, that's what she's thinking. That no matter how desired, worshiped, irreplaceable, unique and complementary you may be for someone when you're doing each other, after the body gives up, after all you're left with is your brain, then you're nothing.

So, with that in mind, she takes a dump and she lights a fag, and decides that she should be someone other than her body. Which was a pretty good decision, cause between guys, there ain't no experience, there's mileage. Straight up use and misuse. Like a car. That's why where people are more conservative girls "flourish" and "blossom" and "bloom" into women. Cause no one wants to say "worn down to".

Anyway, she killed herself like two years later. Found out she'd gotten the big virus somewhere. That wasn't what made her flip, it's cause she tried to call everyone she had sex with to tell them to get tested. She got to a payphone and she was almost halfway down the list, then she ran out of credit. And she couldn't make money cause she couldn't bring herself to screw another guy now. So, she writes down the rest of the names and adds a message too. Then she puts the note in her pocket and jumps in front of a truck.

I kinda think she stopped being that much of a nothing then.